…I live in a private hell…
My mantra is “do just one thing to dig yourself out of this hell..one thing each day, and eventually you will climb out of this hole you’re in…”
I know it sounds dark and dismal and I’m not really in that place all of the time. I start most days with a smile on my face, greeting each daughter with a “Good morning! How did you sleep?” Then I take care of the dogs, pack lunches and we’re out the door and on our way to school. I sing songs on the radio, ask about their plans for the day, crack a joke or two. But the moment my youngest hops out of the car I become a blither of tears. I find I wear sunglasses even on rainy days just so I can make it home without anyone seeing my face. I get a good cry in, sometimes sitting in my car in the driveway for a while. Why? Maybe it’s fear of starting my day… Maybe I just need a little more time to readjust and put on my armor.
I was married to my 56 year old husband for 23 years, and had four beautiful children, when he decided to leave to “find himself”. What he found (before he left us, I might add) was a 23 year old strip club bartender. He left in the summer, sending the kids and I reeling. I was left to pick up the pieces and attempt to create any kind of normalcy to their lives at home and with their friends. When the boys went back to college my husband came less and less to visit his young daughters, always citing work as his reason. He was stressed. He was depressed. They were just friends…..yadayada. Our few attempts at counseling consisted of my husband arguing with the therapist “Why can’t I keep seeing my female friends?” “Do I have to break it off completely?” It was, and has been the single most belittling experience of my life. Who was this man that I had spent the last 25 years of my life with? What happened to the wonderful, caring individual who kissed me good morning and cheered his daughters on at their sports games? The guy who enjoyed working in the yard and going on family vacations? Now I had this shadow of a person who meandered in once every 2-3 weeks to say hello to his daughters and maybe watch a movie on the couch before driving around the empty trash can in the driveway on his way back to Baltimore….a city two hours from our house and his new “home”.
I’m not a writer. I don’t profess to be anything I’m not. I’m just a stay at home mom with a lot of feelings that need to come out. I write to clear my head. Some of the things I write about may be random thoughts…Some prolific nuggets of wisdom I’ve scooped up along the way. I’ve been on a crazy ride, and I’m certain each one of us has a story to tell. I hope to use this blog as a safe place to ponder, vent, laugh and lift each other up.