…in response

Hello world…

I received a very nice comment from soapmepretty and thought instead of replying directly I’d blog some thoughts… I’m finding when I write I go into my thoughts deeply and I may need a day or two to recover. You see, my best coping mechanism is my kids. I have to find a way to get through these feelings to what lies beyond – which is usually my kids bright faces and daily activities that keep me grounded. I was busy this weekend with lacrosse games and a soccer tournament which helped. You may think that’s not a way to relax and regroup, but for me I find comfort in the norm. I got angry at a lacrosse coach and commiserated with the other soccer moms about the other team trying to “take down our girls” (I know it sounds negative, but I never said I was perfect!) and in those moments I reveled in the ordinary of the weekend. You see, when a person goes through something along the lines of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) they can do one of two things….They build a wall to block out the pain (like my husband did) or they begin to feel, analyze and navigate every emotion that comes their way (like I did).

Right now, my life is a technicolor of feelings and emotions constantly running through my mind. I cry at songs and commercials (ok, maybe I did that before but now it’s tenfold!) or get angry quite quickly at triggers that set me off (ie. the lacrosse coach not treating my daughter with respect). But I also laugh alot with my daughters. I laugh more than I have in years. I make a HUGE attempt to find joy in every day life and even those moments of sadness or anger are treated with the same amount of respect. I guess through all of this crazy I’m learning to become grateful…

I have this mantra (yes, another one!) I say when I start to feel overwhelmed or hyperventilate… “Be grateful for the roof over your head, the gas in your car and the food in your belly.” It actually calms me down when the technicolor becomes too much because it puts things in perspective. I have a good life….not one I would have expected for myself…but one that gave me plenty of wonderful years, some really great family & friends, the most awesome kids one can have. It reminds me that I am the master of the rest of my life so it’s my decision how much of the crazy I want to get caught up in.

Dear friend, I appreciate your kind words and I feel for you the way I feel for my own 16 and 14 year old daughters. They know quite a lot about whats going on (blog post will follow) yet they act as if life goes on as normal. My youngest will tell me that it feels “like it always does because Dad always travels so much”. But I know the lasting effects this year has had on my children – especially my girls since they are with me at home. They feel the effects of their Dad being non-existent in their lives whether they want to admit it to themselves right now or in 20 years. They know about his behavior yet they still want any form of attention from him. The one thing I tell them through all of this is that he is still their Dad and he loves them regardless. I say it over and over…and they grasp onto the notion whenever he is near. I’ll admit it’s hard for me to watch. Thankfully I have a wonderful therapist friend who keeps me in check. She told me that “children will always gravitate toward the parent that needs help.”

Wait, huh?

But what about me? What about my “tough as nails” mentality? How I hold it all together and tell everyone we can do this “as a team”? How I put a smile on my face and ask about their day?, be present to drive them EVERYWHERE (they are teenagers)? Nope…they gravitate towards the one that needs the help. Oh, this is not a feeble attempt to feel sorry for myself…it really isn’t. I can understand the psychology of it even though it stings. It is more important to me that my children grow up knowing that both parents loved them regardless.

I don’t want them to feel insecure about themselves…
I don’t wan’t them to be wary of relationships…
I don’t want them to become co-dependant but at the same time I don’t want them to bale at the first sign of danger…

I will try to give you more insight into the mind of my soon to be ex X, but please remember it’s only speculation. I can write about his actions and what his responses are, but I will never be able to go into the mind of someone going through his own personal hell. X’s behavior is his own and his actions are a product of that behavior. I wish you the best in your own path of healing. ❤

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2 thoughts on “…in response

  1. I admire your strength! I love this poem by William Ernest Henley which I find comforting when I am in a dark place. There’s a lot in your writing that resonates with it.

    “Out of the night that covers me,
    Black as the pit from pole to pole,
    I thank whatever gods may be
    For my unconquerable soul.

    In the fell clutch of circumstance
    I have not winced nor cried aloud.
    Under the bludgeonings of chance
    My head is bloody, but unbowed.

    Beyond this place of wrath and tears
    Looms but the Horror of the shade,
    And yet the menace of the years
    Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

    It matters not how strait the gate,
    How charged with punishments the scroll,
    I am the master of my fate:
    I am the captain of my soul.”

    Liked by 1 person

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